Raw Part I

I’ve spent most of my life depressed. Not sad. Depressed. It’s real. It’s a medical diagnosis. Not a theory or concept, but a scientifically proven condition. Whether the church believes it or not.

I’ve had many “lowest points of my life,” but the most recent was about two years ago. It almost killed me. Literally. But through it, I found the path to who I am.

During this major depressive episode, I was doing things that were clearly outside my normal behavior. My pain was so unbearable, I couldn’t see straight. I’d been seeing various people from the different churches we attended over the years. The military lifestyle of moving every few years had given us the opportunity to be members of churches of several different denominations. They all had the same bottom line; it was a spiritual matter that could be resolved by more faith and denial of self.

These answers lead to deeper levels of depression. Not that Christ doesn’t give peace and hope, it’s just that peace and hope are not received by someone with depression just because a counselor or pastor tells them to have faith. Seldom do you hear a church leader tell someone with a tumor that God heals and that chemotherapy is for people without faith.

This is what was happening to me. Clearly, I was not myself. I was acting out in desperation. All I knew was that something had to drastically change. I saw two options; leave Mr. or die. In this turmoil I started having an inappropriate friendship with someone in another state. It was very wrong, but it was NOT the reason I wanted to leave!

When the pastor heard that I was considering a separation, he showed up on my door step and told me that I had no grounds to do so and that I would be “church disciplined” if I left. Church discipline consisted of a public announcement of my “sin” and banishment from the church. Members would be instructed to not fellowship with me except to implore me to repent. He also compared me to Judas and said that I had obviously never completely surrendered to the Lord. He also feared for my and my children’s physical health and safety as my actions could bring God’s wrath. This same man was complementing me on my Godly insight just a month prior to this. He told me that I had to make a decision that night and call him.

I wasn’t ready to make a decision. I knew I was irrational. And now my options had changed; die or leave Mr. and lose all my friends and local support. I felt like someone had stepped on me with the heel of their boot and ground me into the pavement. I never called him with a decision. So, that Sunday, he told the congregation that there was someone in the church who was having a phone/internet affair and was going to leave her husband and children. He didn’t say my name, but enough people knew we were having problems and figured it out. Problem was, it wasn’t the truth! I was mortified, scared, paranoid, desperate, hopeless and confused.

There is more to this story, but this is all I can bear to write at this time. Probably all you can bear to read. For the short version, see my page In Color.