Faith Mourned (Raw II)
I mourn the faith that I used to have.
I read what others have to say about their trust in God and I become sad. I still consider myself a Christian. I still have faith in saving grace. But that’s about the extent of it.
I used to have mounds of mountain moving faith. Now I can’t muster up a mustard seed.
When finances were tight, I knew God would come through. I had no doubt that he wouldn’t leave us begging for bread. I always gave more than a tithe without hesitation. Now I more than hesitate.
When life sucked, I was certain that I was going to be fine and I would continue to grow through it. Because I was a devoted seeker of Christ. Trials, perseverance, wisdom, peace, joy…faith. Someday it would all be worth it. Yet, life continued to basically suck. Maybe I’d have to wait until heaven.
My faith wavered when I was taught that the way out of depression and over past abuse was to love with abandon. They said it was sin to withhold it. I was told to be authentic with my emotions, to express them honestly in love. I tried. I believed that my obedience and faith would finally bring peace and change.
But the abuse continued. My depression deepened. Spiritual Leadership betrayed me. My faith died.
My faith died a cruel, tortured death. And I mourn. Every time I see someone else’s faith, I miss mine. My heart is sad that it can no longer believe that everything will just work out somehow.
Maybe it’s good, in a way. I am now more pro-active in bettering myself and my life. That’s where my hope lies now. I am forming some kind of intellectual faith, I guess. Blind faith - long gone. At least I am now in a place of authenticity like never before. I’m figuring out who I am outside the confines of church definitions. Perhaps my faith before was something I hid behind so I wouldn’t have to deal with the scary nitty gritty. Maybe a new kind will grow in me. I just don’t know.
I just don’t know.
Filed under: Figuring Me Out, Heavy Stuff
I think you’re very strong.
You haven’t lost your faith. It’s still there. It’s just being refined.
I mourn too sometimes…. I miss how easy it used to be. How I had answers and assurance. How I had fewer questions.
But there’s beauty in the questions too. And trying to embrace them makes me seek my solidness in Him rather than in the assurance I found in ‘having answers.’
I think your faith isn’t lost, even if it is different. You are standing in authenticity and seeking truth. And that is beautiful.
It sounds like you received some really bad counsel, and I don’t have to tell you that that’s really hard on faith.
I’ll be praying for you. I can’t speak for what will happen in your life, but I can tell you about my experience. I’ve gone through a couple of times in my life where faith in saving grace was about all I had. It took a while (a long while) for me to work through what I believed and why I believed, but once I got that sorted out my faith is stronger than ever, and I think it’s strong because of the bad stuff I’ve gone through.
I know Romans 8:28 is an often misquoted & misused verse, but I lean on it often. It’s true that God can work ALL things for good for those who love Him. And He can work good from your situation, too. I pray that one day you will be able to look back on where you are at now, and realize that it was out of this darkness that your faith really began to grow.
I’m such a dork. I forgot to sign out from my other account. The problem with running two blogs. The above comment (beingfrugal) is mine.
I think that maybe you were confusing faith with blind obediance in the past. It is one thing to have faith, but you can’t rely on God to work everything out for you. You simply need to rely on your faith to give you the strength to be pro-active and make your changes.
I wish my faith were stronger too, that I could just have blind faith and never have to think twice about it. But my faith ebbs and flows, especially when things are not going well. Thanks for your beautiful honesty in this post.
It’s easy to have faith when things are going well. When they’re not, it can be a struggle. But I agree with Kim. God will work through you, He won’t work for you. You have to put forth the effort to improve your life. And I’m not saying this because I’m an overly religious person. I’m not. I believe in God, but, like you, my faith fluctuates. Sometimes I think why wouldn’t God show himself? Why must I believe in something I have no proof exists? But then I think about all the wonders in the world–the human body, the way every living thing has a place, a purpose–I just cannot bring myself to believe that it just happened by pure coincidence. Sure, there’s pain and suffering in the world, but there’s also unimaginable beauty. Joy. Love. Life is too precious not to embrace it for what it is–a gift. And God wants you to cherish it. If you do, I have no doubt your faith will come back in time. Especially since you seem to want that, too. I wish you well!
You didn’t ask me, but I feel compelled to comment. I like what beingmade said above.
I also know that people fail; people make mistakes. God doesn’t. I know you were hurt, but that was by people. We live in a crazy, fallen world. God is perfect. He is able to do/provide all of the things you mention . . . but He acts and wills according to His purposes, not only because you have faith. He has not left you out to dry, rather He is refining you. He is longing for you to seek Him - not to do anything (to love or to give or to smile), just to seek after Him. I don’t say that because I feel like I have obtained any spiritual height, but because I know the Bible says God longs to know you.
I pray for you often and wish you all the best.
[...] Redefined Faith (Raw III) Posted on November 18, 2007 by Jenny I wrote a post about mourning my faith last month. I knew it was safe to vent here, but I didn’t know how much it would help. [...]