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This weeks WE prompt was to practice lucubration (\loo-kyoo-BRAY-shun; loo-kuh-\). Specifically, we were to light candles and ponder, meditate on the beauty and gifts of the season. Please click for the full explanation.
I have to say, this was not easy for me. When the day is at it’s end and I stop moving, I become very sleepy.
But last night, after the Christmas tree was decorated and lit, I found my moment. We had some candles already burning and the lights out to enjoy the tree. Every year I do this. I sit and stare into the tree and just take in the atmosphere that it brings.
Something is very magical about the Christmas tree. It brings to me a sense of peace, joy and hope. I don’t ponder any specific memories, but a medley of images and feelings wash over me.
Growing up, holidays were not enjoyable for me. My parents divorced when I was 2, so holidays were a source of tension, guilt and obligation. My parents couldn’t agree between them on who I would be with for special events. They left it up to me. Then they would subtly lay on the guilt. I usually ended up eating two Thanksgiving and Easter dinners. Christmas was full of all the family obligations X2.
However, Christmas eve and Christmas Day were different. It was celebrated the same every year. The Eve was spent at my Dad’s. Before bed, we would sit in the living room, lit only by the tree. We each opened one gift. And for one night, carrying into the next day, peace and love prevailed in our home. All fighting and bitterness were put aside. It was miraculous. It was wonderful.
So, for the next several weeks, you will often find me sitting in the glow of the Christmas Tree. Sometimes I’ll be studying individual ornaments that hold special memories from over the years. Other times I’ll be staring unfocused, letting the blinking lights and sparkling tinsel work there magic on my soul.
Filed under: Figuring Me Out, Wrapped Emotions
I too, study all of our ornaments. In my mind, it is one of the best part of Christmas. They hold some of my best memories.
Sounds lovely! I too find myself just sitting and staring at the tree. It is magical!
Thank you for sharing such personal memories. I often worry about my kids feeling pressured by me or their father to feel as though they must choose between us. I try hard not to do that. I am not perfect though and I know sometimes I let my feelings about their dad slip in front of them. This time of year it is nice to have a reminder that the most important thing is trying my best to make this situation the best I can for them. So, thank you Jen!
Thank you for the inspiring post. Although my parents didn’t divorce things were not good for many years and Christmas always seemed to turbo boost the tension. I still can be transported back with certain sounds or experiences. The tree and lights transport me back, but in a good way. Lovely post, and I love Santa Mama!
What a special, touching post–thanks so much for sharing with us.
I’m with you in that I can be found sitting in the glow of the tree lights, sometimes focused, sometimes not….utterly magical.
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This is a beautiful post. Some sad memories but I love that you have made your own family Christmas into something special …
Sounds SO good, sitting in front of the tree, letting it work its magic on your soul…
Sitting in the glow of the Christmas tree is wonderful, I totally agree with you. Christmas lights always seem to have a magic all their own. I’m glad they give you a time to reflect.
Beautiful post! I love spending time just sitting and taking in the glow of the tree lights too – one of my very favorite things about the season. I hope this Christmas is filled with joy for you and your family!
Jenny, my parents divored when I was six and holidays were much the same for me. I still battle it to this day. I’m having to stand firm now and lay down my own rules. Thanks for sharing.
Pinky
ps. LOVELY photos of your tree!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your memories. That is too much of a burden to put on a child. I hope your holidays now are filled will peace and not stress and guilt. Your Christmas tree is lovely. Great picture.
Oh yes, I remember this one. And I really have been very careful not to say anything snarky about Mr. Wrong in front of my kids since reading this.
Sick of my comments yet? well, since this is the end of your tour of self linky love then it is the end of my annoying little comments too. for now!
[...] sit here now, looking at the blinking lights on the tree. Normally, this is something I deeply enjoy. Now I just look at it wondering who will get what [...]