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The story behind the name of my blog.
“Live! and In Color” alludes to some dramatic appearance of someone important. I love that inference and is part of why I decided on this title. But, as you may have guessed, there is a more significant meaning to these words.
You see, I’ve lived my life in extremes. I spent my early teens experimenting with the wild life. Sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll. When I was sixteen I got ‘radically saved.’ I swore off anything with any appearance of evil and obeyed everything my youth pastor suggested. I alienated many friends and some relatives. I thought I’d find happiness and fulfillment if I just obeyed all the rules.
After I graduated from High School, I swung over to the other extreme. I know now that at this point I was already clinically depressed, but no one saw, no one knew. I didn’t have the strength or desire to obey the rules. Any of them. So I didn’t try. After 4 1/2 years of partying and looking for love in really bad places, my self-esteem was completely ground into nothing.
And so, the pendulum arcs back to the other side. This time, I swore that I wouldn’t obey rules just because the church said so. I was committed to pursuing God at a more personal level. I wanted to know who he truly is and what he wants from me. This is a noble endeavor, indeed. Unfortunately, my personality and back ground didn’t allow me to effectively do this. Without knowing it, I was back to following rules. Most of them were self-imposed. I needed to categorize everything into a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ category. Once something was in a category, I had to live accordingly, no matter how hard it was or uncomfortable it felt. I was living in black and white. If I could just be who I thought I was supposed to be, then I would be happy. If I just did what I thought was expected of me, then I would be fulfilled. Someday. Maybe not ’til heaven.
I hated life. I was a multi-dimensional person trying to cram myself into a square peg’s hole. And live there. My marriage stunk. (Mr. lived by the same everything-is-an-absolute philosophy as I did). The depression that began as a teenager had deepened steadily over the years. I thought about death often. I had most of my life.
On the outside, I was the committed, church-going Christian. A devoted, godly wife. A creative, fulfilled, stay-home mother. Inside, I was numb most of the time. Sometimes the excruciating pain would seep to the surface. I believed the fault was my own. Because I wasn’t consistent with prayer. Or devotions. Or obedience. Something to do with my own imperfection.
My marriage was pure hell. (For many reasons I’m not mentioning here). One day, it occurred to me to break a rule. Just one. I could take the kids and leave Mr. I thought that that could relieve most of the pain. I didn’t get to the point of leaving, but things rapidly spiraled downward from there. I was in a full blown major depressive episode. I was doing things based on irrational thoughts. So was he. The church leadership took a discipline approach. It was ugly. Added to everything, I’d been in severe, chronic lower-back pain for almost 2 years and no treatment had yet helped.
I finally saw through the fog enough to seek professional help. Against church advice, I went to a secular (gasp) therapist. She helped me see how I’d been living my life in one extreme or another. She was so right. She also encouraged me to talk to my medical doctor about how I felt. Good call. I was immediately put on anti-depressants. For the first time in my life, I had the chemical and practical help I needed.
I slowly started to see all the areas in life that are not black or white. There is a huge expanse of grey out there! I’ve had to make many, many life decisions since then. Figuring out what’s right for me and my family isn’t easy when there’s not an absolute to apply to the situation. And, by the way, WHO the heck am I? What am I good at? What do I enjoy? Questions that I’d never honestly explored.
I do believe that their are some things that are either black or white. But much of life is lived in the grey area. WAIT! No, not grey. . . COLOR! I’m living in color!
I’m Jenny.
LIVE! and In Color!
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